My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
