im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
