So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
