did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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