Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
