a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
