nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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