Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
