just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
