And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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