$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
