Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
