what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
