And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
