True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
