I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
