the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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