Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
