I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
