All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
