you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
