I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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