I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
