dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
