we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
