So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
