I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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