I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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