What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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