You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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