I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
