I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
