I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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