Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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