It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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