I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
