When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
