From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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