I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
should my penis look like a turkey
he fucked my hip out of place.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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