i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
