I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Less talking, more tequila
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
