This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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