Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
