she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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