I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
everyone is single if you try hard enough
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
