I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
