I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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