The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
your like the ambassador to my penis.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
