I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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