i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
