At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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